Subconscious Cry

Had a dream last night that people were breaking glass all over my neighbourhood. I went out to stop them and stepped in the glass. I stared down at my naked feet, thinking how stupid am I to come out in this without shoes on!! The glass pierced the skin of my feet....and I heard my mother's voice telling me that I need to be careful.

Here's the interpretation: broken glass signifies an abrupt change in your life - something that you thought would last ends surprisingly. Feet are your foundation, your stability. To see your feet indicate that you are in control and on solid ground. To cut yourself with glass means that a close relationship will be severed. And your mother's voice, that you are pursuing the wrong path.

See, I know EXACTLY what that means. It's infinitely interesting how the subconscious mind guides your waking hours. You just have to know/learn how to listen.

I woke with a familiar feeling that I haven't had in such a long time...the angst ball in the pit of my stomach rolling around, churning up bile babies. Actually, I went to bed with it...and it sticks with me. I know what it is. It's the feeling of the game. It's the feeling of losing the game...of being untrue to your higher self.

So - fuck the dark side my friends...run and hide, lock those bitches down, down, down inside. Build a maze that they'll never find their way out of. The darkness is only a barometer - a balancer? It's OK to have dark thoughts, to think irresponsible things - but it's not Ok to act on them if they are contrary to everything that you are. It's your own personal devil in your pocket. Kick his bloody ass!!

I know whom I should sever. It's just not that easy. But I'll do it. I will. Just not today. OK?

This is My Dark Song

I want to taste the darkness.

This is my song to you.

These are two thoughts running through my mind lately. The first is entirely unrelated to the latter. (?) I hunger for the edge of something. Probing, seeking, nascent dreamer....

The latter is just a song that keeps running through my brain. Who sings that song? I want to hear more than the opening line. Anyone?

I read some words the other day: "The hardest thing to do on earth is choosing what matters." Immediately, I raced through the experiences in my life, pulling out the files, flipping through to make sure I consistently chose what matters. I wanted to be good. I wanted to make sure that I was good. I think I have been. And a part of me thinks that is rather sad....one part of me looks with disdain at the other part. I don't let myself down. Sure, I think I have sometimes chosen wrong....but always inside that - a lesson, an opportunity to grow....and always a backdoor exit. That's how I build my existence....a conscious architect...with a conscience. But, what if I decided not to....what would happen then?

Maybe what I'm seeking is a something from which I cannot exit. That is the darkness. To have the courage to descend into that part of myself that I know breathes quietly...so quietly I'm able to deny its existence. But it wants a life too. And today it feels stronger than my goodness.....and until we confront the more unsavoury parts of ourselves, they enslave us....

Castles

I came across a great quote this morning: If you build castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundation under them." - Henry David Thoreau

Sometimes we must do things backwards...or at least contrary to everything that we have been taught. Which is not the same thing. To set your sights on an impossible goal is to make it no longer impossible. Think it up and then build it.

Had a great dinner with an amazing man last night. He's a former love. A current love. Love is such a strange animal, you know. It constantly reshapes itself...and it never goes away. And there's got to be some measure of comfort in that. I had forgotten how connected we are, how easy it is for us. We sat there and giggled like kids, catching up on gossip and then moving into the more serious stuff of life....seamlessly. That sort of relationship is a rarity. It is to be cherished. I feel grateful to have him in my life. He's such a strong and courageous soul...constantly pushing the boundaries of himself, constantly transforming...and that inspires me. And it renews my love for his beautiful heart.

So it's like that is it?

The energy was intense Saturday night. There was something different about that night. It's energy like this, that changes the course of lives forever. I don't think I managed to ride it that deeply, but I felt it none the same...a sort of frantic, mysterious, sexual energy sending tentacles out through the foggy air.

Although our carnal plans unraveled, the heat lingered in the early morning....and even from another part of the city you expanded the most interesting parts of me. That's what I've always loved the most about you. Those bombastic moments where I feel you creep into my being. I'm addicted to it. No one else can do this. The blunt openness, the sexual freedom, our awkward emotional dance. Two steps in and five steps out. Like taming wild fox. And these foxes refuse to be tamed. And isn't that the most magnficant thing?

Alice would say in her brogue: "So it's like that, is it?" Never confirming, and never denying. Only presenting a question of unconditional acceptance. This has struck me over the head today. So it's like that, is it? Yes, indeed. That's what it's like.

And I feel free because of it.....

When you forget who you are.....

...there always someone there to remind you.

"You fucking bitch, watch where you're going!!"

Thank you small, bald man in the BMW. Thank you for your intelligent expletives in this moment of of our paths nearly crossing, in this moment of my most recent traffic transgression. Thank you. You'll never know how your small, round head glowng red with rage was so like a beacon to me, NO - like a lighthouse. Yeah, a lighthouse...calling me back to harbour.

At first, there was just this primal urge to retaliate, to defend myself. My hand went up, my fist closed, it pressed against the window...but then that special finger stayed where it was. And I swallowed the words whole. I smiled my most winniest of smiles and I let them swim down into this place of deeper knowing...and there it was - I AM a bitch. No, I am a FUCKING bitch. Sweet.

Not that being a bitch is any special talent. But getting a backbone is. And, in times of great need, it's the same thing. It's the thing I put to bed as the rest of me climbs between the sheets....as my most secret thoughts fornicate in the darkness, giving birth to monsters feeding on my alcohol soaked brain....laying there as they play spin doctor for what we really are. As I've done for the last four years. Four years?! Really. Ach! Oh - don't get me wrong, friends, I've had many great loves in between. But it's always back to this one. This one. The One? Holding on until the next 2 am text message. Sometimes I start it up. Sometimes you do. And I will never say no. Helpless to deny you. (Backbone. Bitch. Backbone) Always worried about you and how your travels through this life are going. Wanting to give a moment of comfort. Love? Quiet? Ecstacy? Take a moment of all of the above? I don't know anymore. Does it matter? The delivery system for this tonic is physical, furtive...ever since the river between us has filled to overflowing. It's too deep to just step across anymore. So every weekend our bodies build a rickety bridge that neither of us has the courage to cross. Or tear down.

I want you to go away. I want you to stay. I want you to show up at my doorstep and fall on your knees. I want you to take me out for a coffee in the daylight and ask me what I think about wearing red socks with brown pants. About the price of tomatoes in winter. About An Inconvenient Truth. You're an inconvenient truth, my love.....and I'm a fucking bitch.

Where's the middle ground in that?

It All Lasts Forever

Alice said many things...that's my grandmother. She was always full of great advice and little bits of wit that took an especially astute translator to decipher. I think it's the latter that I look back on now and love the most about her. It's the things that take time to sink in that tend to stick. She died with two dresses in her closet and a church filled with people I had never met. All of these people that were touched by her existence. So this is my first blog - dedicated to Alice and her many words of wisdom that I was too young to understand.....

The sole purpose of this blog is to uncover the truth of our existence. Here's the first step:

It all lasts forever.

That's the first little nugget of gold. Take from it what you will. For me, as an adult now, it means that all that you create lasts forever. Words, feelings, art, music - any piece of yourself that you throw into the fodder continues to exist ad infinum. This, to me, is relevant b/c I think that so many of us feel a complete disconnect from everything else...hence the need to blog...to be heard. I'm not blogging b/c I need to be heard. I'm blogging b/c I need you to know that I hear you. Some existential bullshit I feel compelled to fufill.....

I was talking with a musician friend of mine a few months ago and he said he loved to create music because it was entirely disposable. I balked. Music, my friends, is the last frontier of memory. Think of any memory you have - it exists inside some sort of theme music. Whether it be "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" as you sat in the bathtub screaming for your mother as your brother taunted you with his enourmous (yet fascniating) feces jammed in his fist. Or some especially raunchy night half-stripping to "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails (you know you did it too)....music solidifies memory.

And music is but one outlet to remember the touchstones in our life.

Anyway - All of it lasts forever. I suppose what you really want is to know what all of this means for you. Well, I've got the answer for that. While music was the theme for tonight, it only starts there. And the truth is, you're just going to have to figure it out for yourself. Just know that everything you do matters. It all lasts forever. Daunting, but true. Glorious, but true.

Sweet night.