Subconscious Cry

Had a dream last night that people were breaking glass all over my neighbourhood. I went out to stop them and stepped in the glass. I stared down at my naked feet, thinking how stupid am I to come out in this without shoes on!! The glass pierced the skin of my feet....and I heard my mother's voice telling me that I need to be careful.

Here's the interpretation: broken glass signifies an abrupt change in your life - something that you thought would last ends surprisingly. Feet are your foundation, your stability. To see your feet indicate that you are in control and on solid ground. To cut yourself with glass means that a close relationship will be severed. And your mother's voice, that you are pursuing the wrong path.

See, I know EXACTLY what that means. It's infinitely interesting how the subconscious mind guides your waking hours. You just have to know/learn how to listen.

I woke with a familiar feeling that I haven't had in such a long time...the angst ball in the pit of my stomach rolling around, churning up bile babies. Actually, I went to bed with it...and it sticks with me. I know what it is. It's the feeling of the game. It's the feeling of losing the game...of being untrue to your higher self.

So - fuck the dark side my friends...run and hide, lock those bitches down, down, down inside. Build a maze that they'll never find their way out of. The darkness is only a barometer - a balancer? It's OK to have dark thoughts, to think irresponsible things - but it's not Ok to act on them if they are contrary to everything that you are. It's your own personal devil in your pocket. Kick his bloody ass!!

I know whom I should sever. It's just not that easy. But I'll do it. I will. Just not today. OK?

This is My Dark Song

I want to taste the darkness.

This is my song to you.

These are two thoughts running through my mind lately. The first is entirely unrelated to the latter. (?) I hunger for the edge of something. Probing, seeking, nascent dreamer....

The latter is just a song that keeps running through my brain. Who sings that song? I want to hear more than the opening line. Anyone?

I read some words the other day: "The hardest thing to do on earth is choosing what matters." Immediately, I raced through the experiences in my life, pulling out the files, flipping through to make sure I consistently chose what matters. I wanted to be good. I wanted to make sure that I was good. I think I have been. And a part of me thinks that is rather sad....one part of me looks with disdain at the other part. I don't let myself down. Sure, I think I have sometimes chosen wrong....but always inside that - a lesson, an opportunity to grow....and always a backdoor exit. That's how I build my existence....a conscious architect...with a conscience. But, what if I decided not to....what would happen then?

Maybe what I'm seeking is a something from which I cannot exit. That is the darkness. To have the courage to descend into that part of myself that I know breathes quietly...so quietly I'm able to deny its existence. But it wants a life too. And today it feels stronger than my goodness.....and until we confront the more unsavoury parts of ourselves, they enslave us....

Castles

I came across a great quote this morning: If you build castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundation under them." - Henry David Thoreau

Sometimes we must do things backwards...or at least contrary to everything that we have been taught. Which is not the same thing. To set your sights on an impossible goal is to make it no longer impossible. Think it up and then build it.

Had a great dinner with an amazing man last night. He's a former love. A current love. Love is such a strange animal, you know. It constantly reshapes itself...and it never goes away. And there's got to be some measure of comfort in that. I had forgotten how connected we are, how easy it is for us. We sat there and giggled like kids, catching up on gossip and then moving into the more serious stuff of life....seamlessly. That sort of relationship is a rarity. It is to be cherished. I feel grateful to have him in my life. He's such a strong and courageous soul...constantly pushing the boundaries of himself, constantly transforming...and that inspires me. And it renews my love for his beautiful heart.

So it's like that is it?

The energy was intense Saturday night. There was something different about that night. It's energy like this, that changes the course of lives forever. I don't think I managed to ride it that deeply, but I felt it none the same...a sort of frantic, mysterious, sexual energy sending tentacles out through the foggy air.

Although our carnal plans unraveled, the heat lingered in the early morning....and even from another part of the city you expanded the most interesting parts of me. That's what I've always loved the most about you. Those bombastic moments where I feel you creep into my being. I'm addicted to it. No one else can do this. The blunt openness, the sexual freedom, our awkward emotional dance. Two steps in and five steps out. Like taming wild fox. And these foxes refuse to be tamed. And isn't that the most magnficant thing?

Alice would say in her brogue: "So it's like that, is it?" Never confirming, and never denying. Only presenting a question of unconditional acceptance. This has struck me over the head today. So it's like that, is it? Yes, indeed. That's what it's like.

And I feel free because of it.....